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I looked for a video of this, found several. Started it, & thought I should write what I'm thinking; those guitars help; I may not have to have this playing to deal, but it helps.

Grandma is not sitting up to eat. And she's not eating much. Kind of sleeping a lot. She might die in the next week, but we just don't know.

I don't know what I'm going to do after she's gone. Ma and I don't seem to be able to manage decently even together, let alone alone. And I really don't want to live with Ma anyway.

I'm tempted to join an Occupation, but with my skin problems &c. I really can't tolerate not having a bathroom.

I need to change. As I have known for years, and knowing doesn't matter.

What I want to do, however mad it be, is mount a political campaign. Sort of a Screaming Lord Sutch with a purpose. I was reading an article in Rolling Stone where someone with Occupy Oakland is saying that elections don't matter, it's public actions. Well, I guess that's an urban way of looking at it? Of course you have to change people's minds. But just abandoning the political institutions to the careerists and the Movement Conservatives is not the answer.

What I've been thinking of doing for years now, without ever telling anyone, is changing my name and becoming a sort of professional lightning rod. Someone who gets out in public and says what he really thinks. Because biting your tongue and keeping your head down gets you nothing.

Perhaps this is as empty and mad as my old fantasies of suicide. Arguably it's a way for my death wish to manifest, except that I figured out a decade ago that my death wish was all talk. I really want to live more than I want to fight, so I put it off.

I've been watching the tv show In Plain Sight lately. And there's something about WitSec that's both horrifying and attractive. To live in obscurity forever, to give up your old job if it was at all noteworthy, to give up your kin and friends; for many it is an end to their lives, to all that gives meaning. How horrible. And yet I have pulled so far into myself I have almost been that isolated for a while.

In any case, the chance to reinvent is attractive. But to live in obscurity? I can do that after I have a bunch of Ku Kluxers trying to kill me. No, lift me up into those whirling blades, I have to grind it out. I don't know how, but I have to try to learn, to learn to try.

This is totally my campaign song.


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